Story: Evangelion Genocide: Extended
By Rommel
Genres: Drama, Action

Comment 1. September 26, 2009 | Posted By: Pseudonym | Edit | Delete | Report Abuse | Report Spam
Overall, the story's turned out very well so far - for a fic of such epic lengths (and that really is the word to describe it, epic), you do a great job of keeping the story moving forward, instead of plodding along. The pacing is excellent. Characterization is mostly accurate - particularly the Shinji-Asuka relationship (and how slow it takes to develop) is one of the more realistic depictions I've read in a long time.
The plot and styling of the story remind me of Ee Loong Toh's fiction HERZ - mostly from the "real world" nature (I intend that as a compliment). Bringing Evangelion and incorporating plot points like interactions of a global scale keeps the story grounded in such a way that the reader can relate.
Where I have a problem is where you maybe use too much military terminology, acronyms and descriptors at times. For readers who aren't as familiar with things such as what a "boomer" is or who Russian Spetnaz are, it's a barrier to entry, which might be a turn-off to some. These were two examples which would've been easy to figure out, but hopefully you get what I'm talking about, especially where acronyms and short form is involved.
Furthermore, when talking about more plot-related technology (especially with respect to Evangelions), it might be helpful if there was some explanation about what some of the stuff did at times. Obviously, taking time every other paragraph to explain concepts interrupts the narrative, but key information should be given when necessary.
I'm still a bit confused at what the Emerald Tablet is and where it came from, for example, although that's probably an answer you're saving until later. SEELE's been a bit quiet too, for my taste.
On a related note, readability would be enhanced with a gentle reminder of what acronyms stand for at times - just because you used "Ministry of the Interior" in the first few chapters, for example, doesn't nessesarily mean that a reader knows what the MOI is in Chapter 10 (especially considering the length of each chapter, and if the story is read over a longer period of time). 
Another quibble I have is with the abundance of Author Created Characters. Not in that they exist, but in keeping track of them all. While the new Kaji-lite (as I started thinking of him as), and the new pilot are obviously important characters, as is Mr. Kluge, other minor characters are harder to keep track of.
When minor characters are introduced for a few paragraphs, disappear, or are given lesser roles throughout, and then pop up again, it's distracting to have to remember who or what they are. For a non-Japanese native like myself, it's harder to get names straightened out (although naming Author Created Characters is rather difficult in the first place).
It's a common problem with most author-created characters, and for the most part I'm fine with how they've been used, but we might need some reminders or clues as to who they are, especially if they've disappeared for a long stretch.
That said, none of these problems I have take away too much from the story. Well done.
 

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