Thanatos~If I Can't Be Yours
Sailor Star Dust December 2006 Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Eva belongs to GAINAX and Anno-sensei, not me.
----
"SHINJI!"
Asuka's light-blue eyes widened at what just transpired.
The mysterious Adam reappeared, and so the Eva Pilots were sent out to fight it.
Before anyone could react, she ate Unit 1 alive as Shinji screamed in horror.
Asuka, in Evangelion Unit 2, was the only one left standing.
The other pilots were severely injured, besides Rei and Kaworu who were missing.
Her breathing went funny as her heart pounded.
The redhead couldn't believe what happened.
"Shinji...?"
Asuka could feel the tears forming in her eyes, and didn't bother to blink them away.
"Shin...ji...?"
Her best friend, her oldest childhood friend, couldn't be gone.
The person Asuka loved most couldn't...
At the thought of never seeing Shinji again, something deep inside the redhead snapped.
Her eyes glittered dangerously as her body trembled. "You..."
Charging, she jammed her Prog Knife right into Adam's core.
"GODDAMN SON OF BITCH!"
Thrusting in the knife as far as she could, Asuka screamed, "GIVE ME BACK MY SHINJI!"
Through the screen at NERV headquarters, Misato could only stare in shock at Asuka's violent reaction.
Asuka's normally such a sweet girl! What...
Realization suddenly hit the Major like a ton of bricks.
I see. She's in love with Shinji-kun, isn't she?
-----
Adam looked up at Asuka, letting out a roar.
Before the redhead could even blink, her Eva had been blasted against a nearby tree.
Through the intercom, Misato's panicked voice shrieked: "ASUKA! GET UP NOW!"
"Eh?"
Too dizzy to move, Asuka slowly looked up as she realized Adam was towering over Unit 2.
Just as Asuka was about to get out of the way to attack, Adam had grabbed the unit, proceeding to punch its core with her free hand.
As Asuka's left eye began to bleed, she glared dangerously.
"How dare you...!"
Unable to maintain consciousness any longer, the girl's vision faded to black.
-----
Standing outside near the entrance of the hospital, the warm sun brightly shined down, its light filtered through the trees.
The girl's blue hair began to blow in the wind as she looked at the white-haired boy with anger.
"What are you doing? ...Adam. Return Ikari-kun!"
Kaworu turned his head back and smiled slightly.
"Ayanami Rei...No, Lillith. Why are you worried? Now Shinji-kun is with me. Forever."
/"I am a friend to Shinji-kun. And only to Shinji-kun."/
"Return Ikari-kun...He's not yours! What you feel for him isn't true love, it's selfish!
Give him back!"
With tear-filled narrowed eyes, Rei added, "NOW!"
Kaworu smirked at that. "Oh, scary. You do know that even if I return him, he can't be yours, right?"
Rei's red eyes widened.
"That...that doesn’t matter! I'm at least thankful I could tell him my feelings, so I don't have any regrets! Even if he loves her...that's okay!"
Kaworu laughed at that, his red eyes amused. "You're lying...But very well."
------
With a gasp, Shinji awoke.
Lying on his back, he blinked a few times, staring at the ceiling above him.
I'm...in the hospital...?
Noticing something red out of the corner of his eye, he was surprised to realize Asuka was sleeping, body lying against the hospital bed as her face rested on his soft chest.
Her left eye and right arm were covered in bandages.
The boy's eyes quivered at that sight, growing sad.
Asuka? She's injured? What...happened?
Before Shinji could think anymore, Asuka let out a soft moan, awakening.
Blinking sleepily, she managed to smile at him.
"Shinji...So you're awake..."
Giving him a gentle hug as her cheek leaned against his shoulder, she lovingly said: "I'm so glad you're safe."
Concerned for his best friend, Shinji felt himself growing anxious.
Not being able to take it anymore, he quickly and frantically asked: "Asuka, are you alright? What happened? Why are you injured? What..."
"I was fighting that giant of light, Adam. It managed to eat you and Unit 1."
"What?! How in the world am I back then?"
"I don't know...But I'm so glad you're alright!"
As she threw herself into his arms, Asuka couldn't take it anymore.
She broke down crying with relief.
"I'm just so glad you're safe! Shinji..."
As he soothingly rubbed her back, muttering words of comfort, he noticed something blue out of the corner of his eye.
Rei, who was standing by the doorway, quickly left.
His eyes widened. Ayanami...
/"I like you, Ikari-kun." He instantly grew uncomfortable and shocked at those words. What was he supposed to say at a time like this?! He wasn't even sure what his feelings for her were! "Ayanami..." Not wanting him to worry, the blue-haired girl gently replied. "Come on, don't make that face. I just wanted to say it. I just wanted you to know how I feel. You don't have to make that face, okay?"/
This didn't go unnoticed by Asuka.
"She probably wants to make sure you're alright. Go to her."
"Eh? But..."
He looked somewhat sad at that, his eyes downcast.
Asuka grew mad.
She had a hunch that Rei had feelings for Shinji, and if that was the case, it was wrong of him to just ignore the girl.
Even if Asuka herself also...
"But what?! Stop being so indecisive! If a girl cares about you, you shouldn't ignore her feelings!"
"But...Asuka."
His hand rested atop of hers.
Asuka's heart thumped at that.
"My heart already decided for me."
His eyes gently, lovingly, met hers as he blushed.
"Asuka...I love you."
Light-blue eyes wide, Asuka blushed as she gasped slightly. "Shinji...I..."
As tears filled her eyes, the girl replied, "I love you, too!"
With that, they hugged tightly, both silently crying
"Asuka...Why are you crying?"
"Anta...ba--baka? I'm crying because I'm happy!"
Sniffling, she brokenly added, "I love you so much...I really do. But, I'm just so afraid dating might ruin our friendship...And I don't want that!"
"I don't understand. It's alright, Asuka! We can still be best friends, can't we?"
"Yeah...But, I'm scared! I don't want things to change between us!"
Shinji laughed at that, causing Asuka to glare.
"Baka! Why the hell are you laughing?! I'm pouring my heart out and yet you..."
He shook his head, trying to stop.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's not anything you said. I just...find it funny that you're worried about things changing, because lately, that's been on my mind, too. But, I think I'm starting to realize something."
"What's that?"
"It's alright for things to change because things can't always stay the same. Change, or growth, is positive. At the very least, you always have nice memories of how things used to be, right?"
"Hmm...I guess that's a good point. I think...I feel a little better now."
He smiled warmly at her. "Good."
Hugging him, the girl leaned her head against Shinji's shoulder. "So, do you think we'll be okay?"
Kissing her forehead, he gently replied.
"Yeah. I know we will."
-----
Kaworu leaned against the hospital building.
At the sound of somebody leaving, he lifted his head to see Rei standing there, drying her eyes in her arm.
Sighing, he looked somewhat amused though his eyes were sad.
"I told you. It's better if things don't change. Change only brings pain."
"...No."
"Hmm?"
Surprised, the boy's eyes met her serious ones.
"Change may bring pain, but it can be good, as well. If nothing changes, then what's the point of living? Just going through the same patterns? Even though things aren't going to move forward for Ikari-kun and I, as long as they'll become happy then..."
Kaworu nodded, seeing her point.
Curious, he asked: "You really wish them well?"
"Yes. I do."
He smiled at that. "If that's the case, then I will, too. After all, Shinji-kun's happiness is my happiness."
Silence.
"...Nagisa-kun?"
"Yes?"
Looking unsure, a worried expression made its way across Rei's normally calm face.
"Do you...ever think that this world isn't real? I mean, there are times when I almost feel as if it's all just a dream."
"...Sometimes. I find myself trying not to think about that, though."
He chuckled slightly.
"Who knows? For all we know, this could be a world created within Shinji-kun's mind as he debates whether or not to accept reality."
"No. It's after the fact."
"Huh?"
Rei had a far-off look in her eyes, watching something unseen, intangible.
"Ikari-kun...has already accepted reality. Despite finally being on the same shore with his true love, both are still afraid. Both finally accept each other, but because it's just them, neither really knows what to do."
"This dream of his...I guess it's how he secretly wished things could have turned out. But, he's finally learned to love himself so he can learn to love others, huh?"
"Yes. I...I just wish there was a way I could still help him. Instead of being here."
At those words, Shinji's dream-world shattered.
The daytime scenery outside of NewTokyo-3's hospital shifted.
To reveal Adam and Lillith---love and hope---standing deep inside the LCL Sea.
Kaworu gave a reassuring smile.
"Don't worry. We, along with his mother, have already done our part. He regained the will to live. Finding happiness can only start with him now."
Rei managed to smile at that.
"That's true. I guess it's just I worry about him. Not just as the mother of humanity, Lillith, but as Yui and his fellow Eva Pilot, too..."
Closing her red eyes, Rei silently prayed.
Please...Let those two find happiness together. Let our helping him have not been for naught.
----
Silence.
With a start, Shinji awoke--in reality--gasping for breath.
Eyes panicked, the 14 year old looked around his surroundings, sweating.
He turned to see Asuka laying next to him, still asleep, her left hand atop his.
As the LCL wave's continued to lap, he let out a long, tired, sigh.
I see. After Asuka and I returned, we fell asleep. I guess I was just dreaming. About living in another world with Asuka and the others. A nearly peaceful world... But, didn't I also see that possible world of everybody living happily during Pre-Instrumentality? It was before I had that dream...That dream when Ayanami helped me figure out where my reality and my dreams really were.
A sigh.
I...I don't want to run away, not anymore. I want to live here, in reality. ...With Asuka.
Standing, he looked at Misato's cross, now dangling from his right arm.
A small smile, but a smile nonetheless, made its way across his face.
"I wonder if we will be okay?"
".....I think so. Why? Are you worried?"
Nearly jumping at that, he turned around to see Asuka, bandaged and awake, her eyes softly staring into his.
The boy nodded, starting to look somewhat depressed as his gaze fell onto the sand.
"I don't want to admit it, but yes. I am."
"Shinji."
"Yeah?"
"...Sit down with me?"
Blinking at that, he turned red. "Su...sure..."
Hugging his knees into his chest, he sat next to the redhead.
Smiling sweetly, Asuka put her arms around his neck, drawing him into an embrace.
Shinji promptly turned red at that, still not used to her sudden behavior change.
After Shinji confirmed his existence and Asuka responded, the pair sat down in silence, hesitantly admitting their feelings for each other.
In reality...
-----
"...I feel bad."
Knowing that part of the reason Asuka didn't feel well was because of his pathetic crying; he stood, walking away from her.
His mind wandered as the boy looked out at the destruction among them.
Lillith-Rei's destroyed face in the distance, the Mass Production Eva Series scattered about the ocean, the streak of blood from Lillith-Rei's neck still spread across the night sky...
Lillith-Rei.
Rei...
How...is Ayanami doing? Where did she go? Could it be that she's still in the LCL Sea? I guess if she's Lillith, then that's her mission, to watch over mankind. But...
A sigh.
I wonder if I'll ever see her again? ...I hope we'll be okay. I, I want things to be okay between Asuka and I!
Asuka had been quiet the whole time.
Sitting upright, knees pulled into her chest, as she looked out at the destruction herself.
Finally, she broke the several moments of silence--which felt like hours--by standing behind him.
"You know..."
A pause.
"I forgive you."
Blue eyes widened, shocked, as his body whirled around to face the girl.
"Eh? Asuka..."
A small, gentle, smile made its way across her lips.
"Shinji. Although this life can be hard, you decided to not give up. You decided to keep living on so you could find yourself... I know that you did your best, so...I forgive you."
Eyes wet, Shinji threw himself into Asuka's arms.
" I forgive you, too, Asuka. I, I'm sorry."
Their blue eyes slowly, slowly, met.
"Shinji..." "Asuka..."
Tears coming into their eyes, they said in unison: "I like you...I love you."
Blushing a deep shade of red, they hugged, Asuka's head resting against his shoulder as not knowing what to say.
Asuka was the first one to break the silence.
"Is it okay if I stay like this?"
"As long as I can stay like this with you, too, of course. I don't mind. I, Asuka, I always did want to hold you, but I never knew how to act or what to say so I--"
Holding back a giggle, Asuka gently pressed her right hand against Shinji's lips, silencing him as he blinked.
"Shh. It's okay now. Don't dwell on the past. Let's just be thankful for this moment together. Alright?"
Eyes softening at that, Shinji smiled gently in reply. "...Alright."
Clasping hands, the young couple soon fell fast asleep, lulled by the peaceful, happy, feelings they shared.
-----
Still embracing Shinji, Asuka let out a sigh as she smirked.
"Jeez! You really are nitpicky for a man! Why don't you relax more?"
At that, she softly kissed his cheek, causing Shinji to turn bright red.
"Anta baka? I told you to relax! Don't get worked up, silly!"
Starting to tremble, Shinji could only nod in reply.
After a moment of trying to find his voice, he finally spoke.
"I, I know, but...It's just..."
With those words, he tightly embraced the girl, crying out, "I'm just really happy to be with you, Asuka! But I don't know how to act!"
"...Just be yourself. I think Pre-Instrumentality both changed us for the better in that neither of us will be selfish anymore. I mean, it might take some time, but I personally want to work on that...As well as any other problems I have..."
"Yea--yeah, I do, too. I want to gradually get over my problems. And I really do care about you, Asuka. So I want to do what I can to help you. Not because I need anything in return, but because I like you..."
"I feel the same way. And I know it's hard for both of us right now, we're still somewhat blinded by our feelings of depression despite wanting to live on... But I think we can get through it, together."
"Yeah, I think so too."
He let out a breath.
"I'm...trying to hang in there, I know I made the right choice, but..."
"It's alright, Shinji...We're going to be okay."
He nodded at that as they cuddled deeper into each other's arms.
Asuka looked at him, her eyes light. "Hey, Shinji?"
"Yes?"
"Kiss me."
"Okay..."
At that, their lips softly met, tenderly pressing against the other.
After several moments of kissing, they broke away and embraced.
"I hope everyone else will return." "I'm sure they will! Misato especially seemed to be a strong-willed person...Don't worry, everyone will be back."
Taking her words into account, Shinji suddenly smiled. "Yeah...If we have the strength to live on, others must, as well."
Looking out into the red-blood LCL Sea, the couple smiled lovingly as they kissed every so often.
Even without knowing what the future would have in store for them, Asuka and Shinji at least knew that they would live their life together.
Despite this major world change, they were alive.
And that was all that mattered.
The End
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AN: Despite Adam being a male's name, the first Angel is clearly female, being the Mother of the Angels (minus Lillith) and all.
There's also a pet theory going around (thought up by Reichu of NGE Fan-Geeks Commentary Project fame) that because Kaworu has Adam's soul and because the Angels aren't going to have the same characteristics of gender that humans do, that he's really female. In other words, it would mean Shinji is indeed straight, after all! Seriously though, that “femme-Kaworu” theory personally makes sense to me, but the beauty of Eva is the fact it can mean whatever you want it to mean.
Is it just me or have all my Eva fics so far been more or less centered around Third Impact? Interestingly enough, I wasn't planning on ending it like this, but including that “mind-fuck” of Post-3I is just how it wound up. You guys will forgive me, right? (Giggle) I guess the ending was somewhat bittersweet, but I hope this fic as a whole made for an enjoyable read. Till next time!
Sailor Star Dust